Thursday, June 05, 2008

I always spoil everything.


If for some unfathomable reason, you have been even lamer than me and have yet to see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Motherfucking Alien Magnetic Crystal ESP Skull, please feel free to skip this post. Oops, I just spoiled everything.

AREA 51? Steven Spielberg, are you OFF your NUT? I know that there is no hope for George Lucas - JarJar Binks clinched that one for me - but come ON. I can forgive you cracking wise about Indy's age. I can forgive the clumsy and unnecessary love story, because they all have clumsy and unnecessary love stories. I can even forgive you trying to pass Shia "call me Stanley Yelnats" LaBeouf off as a Marlon Brando embracing greaser of a tough, clumsy and unnecessary James Dean biker cap notwithstanding. But interdimensional aliens? Roswell AND the Lines of Nazca? Jesus wept, man. No. No, no, no. I bought your undead, 800 year old Knights Templar and James Bond as Han Solo's dad. I will not have you heap the X-Files on my ever-loving, unsuspecting noggin.

Here are some other places you could have visited: Angkor Wat. Stonehenge. The Buddhas of Bamyan. Atlantis.

And just a couple more points, real quick: 1) I don't believe for a second that a piece of quartz half the size of Harrison Ford's torso could be toted around with such impunity in John Hurt's left hand, which leads me to believe that the inclusions that look like crumpled Saran Wrap are indeed, crumpled Saran Wrap and 2) Indy says with a sense of wonderment about the tourists from the 4th dimension, "They were archaelogists!" No. All those artifacts you found down there were supposed to be contemporary to the period in which our pointy headed friends visited South America. If they were collecting them from study, that would make the aliens ethnologists. If they were just collecting them because, well, you have to bring something back for the girls at the office, because if you don't, that's just rude, then the visitors were morons and the ancient and priceless artifacts were tchotkes.

The fistfight were too much, except the impromptu malt shop rumble, but Cate Blanchett LOVES her job, and Harrison Ford still does most of his own stunts. Damn. Also, props for the age-appropriate love interest, even if it was clumsy and unnecessary. Ditto for the well-groomed pomp on Mutt.

If you are the debunking type, which I (ahem) am, here's interesting reading. And if you are just sad because the mileage included a few too many miles of bad road, here's Indiana Jones like you remember him:

1 comment:

  1. Shoot. I haven't seen it yet! Not only because I've been busy, but also because I don't want to watch Harrison Ford do stunts old.